Infinite Number of Monkeys At Typewriters Finally Give Up On Hamlet; Now Working On Reviews Of Disney's "Alice In Wonderland"

Nikko, best known for his appearance as head flying monkey in MGM's "The Wizard of Oz" currently serves as spokesmonkey for the infinite number of monkeys who have been hard at work trying to duplicate Shakespeare's "Hamlet" by randomly hitting keys on an infinite number of typewriters. The chimp announced today [via e-mail] that the project has been suspended indefinitely due to adverse economic conditions.

"We have had to lay off 20% of our staff, " the simian stated to The Wall Street Journal, "...but that's not as bad at it sounds, because reducing our headcount by 20% still leaves us with an infinite number of monkeys, so it's a win-win for the company and the employees."

A monkey close to the project, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that the monkeys have already started work on their next task: writing reviews of Walt Disney's 1951 feature Alice in Wonderland. But not everyone is happy with this turn of events.

A high-ranking Google executive, who asked not to be named [but was named by his parents anyway] said that the monkeys' new goal was designed to cripple the effectiveness of the wildly popular Google Search Engine [GSE].

According to the executive, "[The infinite number of monkeys] are [creating] an infinite number of blogs, each of which contains [a randomly created] review, so that [the Google Search Engine] is fooled into thinking that it continually ['sees'] new blogs that reference [a given feature film]." This way, those who have activated "Google Alerts" for a specific film, or film star, are sent multiple results multiple times each day, all of which lead to the same [illegal] download site.

Robert LaBlaw, Assistant Junior Deputy Vice President of the Isn't Life Terrible blog, offered an example of the disturbing results. "We have a Google alert set to retrieve any new postings that might be of interest on behalf of a [fan-based, unauthorized] web page about [Disney voice artist] Kathryn Beaumont. I'm now getting a steady stream of Google alerts, all of which seem to be slight variants of the same review, coming from an infinite number of blogs created solely to direct web traffic to one illegal download site."

At first, LaBlaw thought the results were amusing. "After all," he said with a wry smile, "...monkeys were created specifically to entertain us." But after a while, the false alerts simply became annoying.

"I can't explain it, " says a puzzled LaBlaw. "Maybe the monkeys have been offended by Disney films that feature chimps... like Toby Tyler, Monkeys Go Home, The Monkey's Uncle, The Barefoot Executive, and The Jungle Book. It's never a good idea to piss off a monkey, but if you piss off an infinite number of monkeys, you're [asking for trouble.]"

LaBlaw produced a number of actual documented examples of the monkeys' handiwork, the one small bit of truthfulness contained in this otherwise fictional report:

The overwhelming movie, Walt Disney Animated Anthology - The Classic Collector’s Set, featuring Bobby Driscoll is definitely entertaining, with a supporting cast of first-rate stars, aim at Kathryn Beaumont, will plumb be worth while to...

The overwhelming movie, Walt Disney Animated Anthology - The Classic Collector’s Set, featuring Bobby Driscoll is hundred-percent most enjoyable, with a supporting cast of delicious stars, like Kathryn Beaumont, will most assuredly be...

The dazzling movie, Alice in Wonderland, featuring Kathryn Beaumont is perfectly engaging, with a supporting cast of exalted stars, take pleasure in Ed Wynn, will most certainly be worth while to make good time and view astonishing...

The stupendous cast includes Bobby Driscoll, Kathryn Beaumont, Hans Conried, Bill Thompson, Heather Angel. This cast just make Walt Disney Animated Anthology - The Classic Collector’s Set the more wonderful!

The spectacular movie, Walt Disney Animated Anthology - The Classic Collector’s Set, featuring Bobby Driscoll is unquestionably entertaining, with a supporting cast of extraordinary stars, take pleasure in Kathryn Beaumont, will...

The extraordinary movie, Alice in Wonderland, featuring Kathryn Beaumont is remarkably enjoyable, with a supporting cast of notable stars, aim at Ed Wynn , will surely be worth while to go out and observe. astonishing & stupendous with...

Alice in Wonderland was an unimaginable movie! Both Kathryn Beaumont and Ed Wynn were extraordinary! The superstar cast includes Kathryn Beaumont, Ed Wynn, Richard Haydn, Sterling Holloway, Jerry Colonna...

Walt Disney Animated Anthology - The Classic Collector’s Set was an awe-inspiring movie! Both Bobby Driscoll and Kathryn Beaumont were astonishing! The genius cast includes Bobby Driscoll, Kathryn Beaumont, Hans Conried, Bill Thompson...

The extraordinary movie, Walt Disney Animated Anthology - The Classic Collector’s Set, featuring Bobby Driscoll is notably most pleasing, with a supporting cast of considerable stars, love Kathryn Beaumont, will certainly be worth while...

The extraordinary movie, Alice in Wonderland, featuring Kathryn Beaumont is strikingly entertaining, with a supporting cast of able stars, fancy Ed Wynn , will recognizably be worth while to voyage and behold. startling & prodigious with...

The extraordinary movie, Alice in Wonderland, featuring Kathryn Beaumont is remarkably enjoyable, with a supporting cast of notable stars, aim at Ed Wynn , will surely be worth while to go out and observe. astonishing & stupendous with...

The extraordinary movie, Walt Disney Animated Anthology - The Classic Collector’s Set, featuring Bobby Driscoll is notably most pleasing, with a supporting cast of considerable stars, love Kathryn Beaumont, will certainly be worth while...

Both Bobby Driscoll and Kathryn Beaumont has earned overwhelmingly positive reviews and is considered by many to be one of the best films of the year! Maybe that’s what makes the movie so good.The great cast includes Bobby Driscoll...

The surprising movie, Walt Disney Animated Anthology - The Classic Collector’s Set, featuring Bobby Driscoll is extremely pleasurable, with a supporting cast of the top stars, take pleasure in Kathryn Beaumont, will for sure be worth...

Nikko could not be reached for comment. Inquiries addressed to the return e-mail address used for the Infinite Monkeys announcement returned the following:

Your message cannot be delivered to the following recipients:

Recipient address: nikko@infinite monkeys.com
Reason: Remote SMTP server has rejected address
Diagnostic code: smtp;550 Unrouteable address
Remote system: dns;mail.infintemonkeys.com (TCP|157.286.4.203|37629|74.13.112.196|25) (cl35.gs01.monkeyserver.com CHIMP Exim 6.03 Wed, 04 Feb 2009 06:55:22 -0800)