Behind Every Pressure Cooker Is A Silver Lining

[The beautiful Dinah Sheridan starred in Genevieve, a 1953 comedy that the British Film Institute has designated "one of the hundred favorite British films of the twentieth century." Research on publicity for Genevieve unearthed the publication seen above, the "Magazine of the Hawkins-Universal Pressure Cooker Users' Club." When forwarding this to my friend Dinah for her comments, I couldn't resist writing the following letter to accompany it, ostensibly from a modern-day Hawkins-Universal representative.]

Dear Miss Sheridan:

I come to you with a heavy heart, a knot in my stomach, a stiff upper lip, on bended knee with a worried mind, my hand outstretched in friendship. This is, as you might imagine, a most uncomfortable position for me.

First, I would ask that you refresh your memory by looking at the pictures attached to this e-mail, the cover of Silver Lining Number 12, from March of 1952, and a second photo from the interior of that same magazine. Should you have any trouble viewing the attachments, please let me know. (The promotional pictures show you with the Hawkins Pressure Cooker).

Recently the British Testing Institute for Cookery and Kitchenware completed its exhaustive testing of Hawkins pressure cookers. It has come as a bit of a surprise to us that they have asked us to recall all Hawkins pressure cookers sold during 1950, 1951, and 1952.

Initially, when they asked us to recall these units, we simply wrote back, "Yes, we recall these products very well, and with considerable fondness."

The BTICK mistook our response for sarcasm, feeling we were having a bit of fun at their expense. Once the confusion was cleared up, we recognized for the first time the monumental task before us: to contact all known users of these products.

Sadly, or actually, happily, our records are woefully incomplete, due to a series of pressure cooker explosions you may have read about which took place in late 1961. We attempted to retrieve our records following these explosions, however, we found to our chagrin that the soggy carrots, lettuce, celery, and potatoes permanently affected the documents, which quickly deteriorated to the point of unreadability. Therefore, we have no list of pressure cooker owners... well, I've told a lie, we do in fact have a list. In point of fact, we have only been able to identify one of our owners from that era -- yourself.

Because you posed for the cover of our magazine, Silver Lining, now long discontinued, we were able to identify the pressure cooker you held in your hands as one of the affected models. When I discovered this picture, I took it directly to the office of Mr. Whetherstone, our Vice President in Charge of Customer Relations and Kitchenware Recall. I handed your portrait with pressure cooker to Mr. Whetherstone and identified the photo as containing an affected model.

Mr. Whetherstone did not get my import, commenting, "She doesn't look like a terribly affected model to me, but if you say so..."

I immediately assured Mr. Whetherstone that when I referred to the "affected model," I referred not to the young lady in the picture, but rather to the recalled pressure cooker. Once he understood that you were the only customer for this particular model of pressure cooker that we had been able to trace, he suggested that I e-mail you as soon as possible.

On behalf of the firm, my sincere apologies, but I must advise you to cease all use of your Hawkins-Universal pressure cooker immediately. Please pack the pressure cooker securely and ship it back to us via airmail. While we are aware that such a heavy item will be expensive to send, we regret that we cannot reimburse you for these costs.

BTICK requires us to provide you with a replacement pressure cooker. However, we exited the pressure cooker business some time in the mid-1960s. Therefore we have no stock available, and will not be able to return a new pressure cooker to you.

When the market for pressure cookers blew up in our face, both literally and figuratively, we found ourselves with huge excess capacity in our manufacturing facility. Recognizing that our expertise related to hollow metal containers capable of withstanding great pressure, we undertook a retooling of our product line, expanding, enlarging, and enhancing our manufacture capabilities with a view toward directing them at an entirely new market, to wit, undersea exploration.

I don't know how familiar you are with diving bells, submersibles, and pressurized robotic underwater probes, but Hawkins-Universal have become a leader in the field.

I write to you in the slim hope that you may have need for some underwater exploration equipment which we could provide to compensate you for the loss of your pressure cooker. The primary challenge we face relates to the value of your pressure cooker versus the cost of our underwater exploration robots. We find only one item in our current catalog which qualifies as an 'even trade' for your pressure cooker, taking into account normal wear and tear over the past 55 years. This is our part number 16DRE99UW-6, an exploding bolt assembly. Of course, I have no way of knowing whether an exploding bolt assembly would be of use to you, although if you are planning a surprise party or have a vacation property from which you would wish to deter would-be thieves, perhaps you could use one of these items, which are fully guaranteed.

You may continue to rely on the high quality of our products. I assure you that our explosive bolts are produced to the same rigid standards of our pressure cooker line.

On a personal note, this piece of correspondence represents my last bit of work on my last day here at Hawkins. How odd that I should spend it working on the very product upon which I first began, many years ago... our pressure cookers, which served the British housewife quite nobly and honourably for many years. As a part of our company history yourself, I would like to personally thank you for endorsing our pressure cookers, and to let you know that we in no way hold you responsible for the discontinuance of the line some 13 or 14 years following that participation.

All best wishes from your native country and here's hoping that you have purchased, at some point in the past, a microwave, making all of the above moot.

Most sincerely yours,

Mr. Woodson Flent
Hawkins Undersea Exploration, Ltd.